A Quenched Thirst

Thoughts from today...many derived from pondering the beginning pages of  "The Satisfied Heart" by Ruth Myers:

God CAN quench my thirst with His love.  Ps. 90.14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."

The way to loving God more deeply is through understanding His love for me more deeply. ("We love because He first loved us." - 1 Jn. 4.19)

I resist emptiness. I look for ways to fill it believing it is not welcome and has no place in my life. Our emptiness, however, allows a space for God to fill. He can't fill something that is already full.

A poem by an unknown author:
"Purge me, Lord, of my follies; an empty cup let me be,
Waiting only Thy blessing, hungry only for Thee.
Can even the Lord pour blessing into a cup that is full?
Put treasure into a locked hand, be He ever so bountiful?
Empty me, Lord, and make me hungry only for Thee.
Only Thy bread once tasted can ever satisfy me."

Going to God with my emptiness has often felt like a last-resort solution to me. I think it feels that way because I don't understand the height, width, depth and length of His great love for me. He longs for me even more intensely than anything I long for (and I have some pretty strong longings).  He desires me, but His desires are patient and kind and never forceful or demanding:
"Arise, come, my darling;
    my beautiful one, come with me.”
show me your face,
    let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
    and your face is lovely."

He wants me to desire Him above all else, and in that, as my first love, He will be able to satisfy me.

God's Guidance

Six days ago, I sent this to just a few close friends who knew about our search for a canine companion. Just reading this again tonight was a good reminder for me, so I decided I would share it here on my blog as well...

In Larry Crabb’s blog*, he recently said that he got in the mail “…Dr. James Houston’s most recent book, in pre-published manuscript form. The title drew me to know that Aslan was moving ahead of me, guiding my search….”

Wow. I’m not facing cancer like Larry is. I’m just lamenting at the deferred hope of getting what I thought was the pet/companion I’ve desired since I was 16 and had to give away my best friend, my German Shepherd, Shadow. I was not looking to replace her; just to enjoy the beautiful companionship that a German Shepherd is capable of and provide a companion for Adam as well…not to mention the benefit it could be to our whole family. We’ve been searching on and off for almost two years, and then while the search was “off”, an amazing opportunity dropped in our laps. It seemed nearly perfect; much more than I had anticipated. And an hour before we were to pick him up, his owner decided it would be best to give him to someone else. I was crushed.

“…to know that Aslan was moving ahead of me, guiding my search” stood out as I began reading Larry’s blog. I love the reassurance God provides that He is working! Not necessarily to give us everything we’re searching for, but to go ahead of us in our search to give us what is best. Maybe His guiding my search may lead me to just the right dog for us; or His guidance may direct me elsewhere where something even more significant awaits. What I do know is that I can rest peacefully in hope as I look ahead to “Sunday” even while I’m experiencing “Friday.”

Larry talked about the crucifixion being on Friday. The disciples were confused; they thought He was ‘The One’ they were waiting for, and then He died. Their hope was suddenly deferred and their hearts were sick. When Sunday came, confusion still lingered when His body came up missing. But when Truth and the big picture were finally revealed on Sunday, they were filled with joy and praise.

Larry said, “And yet the more I focus on Sunday’s resurrection, the more surprised I am by the joy and the adventure of hope that lies deep in my center, and by the privilege God has given to me to reveal Him in hard times. I’m discovering that is in my center as well. …. Friday’s fact impacts me. I wish it were different. But Sunday’s truth lifts me into the heavens. And heaven is working backward.”

The pain involved in the events of “Friday” hurts, but knowing that transformation, resurrection and hope follow after Friday, my heart becomes lighter…and I’m able to delight in a God who is “moving ahead of me….” And not just moving ahead, but moving ahead of ME.

I’m looking at what God has done in Allison’s life just in the past few days…how she was totally opposed to all dogs and in the last few days has become pretty relaxed about the idea of actually getting a dog (a big one at that)…and it only cost me a door knob with a lock and a Butterfinger. :) And Adam. He told me, “[This dog] should be ours.” I told him about how I was restless last night and was praying that God would make it very clear whether or not this was the dog for us. Then I told him, “I guess it doesn’t get any clearer than that!” We talked about how God has used this process to bring about some really good things, and, as we continue to pray, He’ll do what’s best and maybe bring us something even better. He hugged me with compassion and told me he’s sorry we didn’t get the dog, and I hugged him and told him I’m sorry he doesn’t get a running partner ...yet. :/ He smiled.

And regardless of “what” lies ahead for me, even better, I know HE lies ahead for me.

*For Larry Crabb’s full blog: http://newwayministries.org/blog/

What Storm?

Jesus was standing on the water while Peter and the disciples were in the boat. Jesus called to Peter to get out of the boat and come walking on the water to Him. Imagine if Peter's response was, "Lord, that's a very nice offer, but if I get out of this boat, it's a very lonely, scary place between where my friends are and where you are. So, no thanks." Or maybe He didn't realize that lonely place till he actually stepped out and then found himself in that chasm of loneliness where he had no friends to directly lean on and found himself in impossible circumstances without an undistracted view of Jesus. The winds picked up and the waves came into view....

Have you been in that place? ...with one of those responses?

Currently, I'm relating to the second scenario. I can see my friends nearby, but God has me in such a place that I can't lean on them for security and yet the winds are blowing and the waves keep distracting me from fixing my eyes on Jesus..."the author and perfecter of my faith" (Hebrews 12.2). In that place is the chasm of loneliness. Put yourself there just for a minute. You can't reach your friends in ways that would really help you feel secure, and you can't seem to find the hand of Jesus extended out to take yours because you're not looking for it--you're not set on finding it...instead your eyes are filled with the mist from the wind over the water and you see the waves about the engulf you...and you quickly realize that what you're trying to accomplish is impossible.

But He knows His plans for me, plans for good (Jeremiah 29.11), and we both know He has authority over the winds and the waves in my life.

Luke 8.24-25 says, "The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Master, Master, we’re going to drown!' He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 'Where is your faith?' he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, 'Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.'"

So the response that will bring me peace and be the most pleasing and useful to Him is when my attention is fixed on Him and what He's doing rather than on the creepy storms surrounding me. He has authority, not the storm. I want my focus and confidence to be so fixed on Him that my response to the storm is, "What storm?" ...allowing me to be filled with peace.

Understood? Understood.

No one understood me as a child. I was quiet and seldom talked, so I was labeled as shy. No one understood the reasons I wouldn't talk. No one understood the fears and emotional pain I struggled with.

As I got older, more and more people misunderstood more and more things about me. People misunderstood my distance in relationship. Some didn't notice; some thought I was self-centered; no one understood that I had been sexually abused and struggled to trust in relationship.

As the years passed, I recognized how I was created...as a deep thinker and a writer who processes things in so much detail that it comes out slowly. People misunderstood and determined that there was something wrong with me because I didn't speak or read or comprehend information as fast as they did.

I continue to be misunderstood on a daily basis. Sometimes it's because the listener isn't listening well. Sometimes it's because our varied experiences create confusion, ...or many other reasons. One thing, though, has been a constant source of comfort for me in being misunderstood: Jesus has always understood me. He understands what it feels like to be abused, to have your words or actions judged as different from what's true. And He knows and understands every intimate detail about me. Psalm 139, and the peace He gives me in relationship with Him, confirm it.

Understood? Understood.

Perseverance

I've been thinking about an email I got from my friend, Stacy, this morning. In it she mentioned how I persevere...and that people just don't do that anymore. That stirred my emotions, and I wasn't even sure why at first, so I processed through it.

I think it's that I know it's right to persevere, and finally someone verbalized what I know to be true...that people, in general, don't do it anymore. It's not the norm in our society. Certainly, I have friends who do persevere in various ways, and I'm grateful for them.

But perseverance is why I had such a hard time with a friend's divorce...knowing they struggled much like my husband and I have struggled in our marriage, yet my friend, ultimately, didn't persevere. There are many times when I want to quit too, so I guess it makes me feel more alone and on my own, reminding me that I really am a stranger in this world.

I know this world is not my home, and in time there will be ultimate relief. I realize that now is the time to persevere and to fight the good fight of faith. I wish that more people--more Christians--would fight that fight rather than the fight for comfort...for what feels good in the moment (from sex to food to shopping and accumulating lots of luxuries). I can easily fall into that temptation too, and often wrestle against it, but I want to keep my mind fixed on what truly matters...where true life happens...where joy and peace really can exist... "on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith"; not the perfecter of our comfort, although one day I will have that as well...but then it will be a resting comfort rather than an escaping comfort.

I realize, too, that in order to fight for faith rather than comfort, we need to deal with some root issues in our lives...looking at why we do what we do. That's one thing I love about LifeCare...it's a place to do that and find freedom from things that drive our behaviors that are not best for us. It's interesting that Stacy mentioned my perseverance today because I've noticed lately that I'm being more drawn to comfort in the face of some struggles. I don't want a passion for comfort to drive my behavior and the decisions I make. So I'm thankful that God and LifeCare are helping me discern some root issues there this week so I can live freely as God intended.

We are all called to persevere. Who is willing to answer that call with me?

I'm ready to grow up (my prayer)

Lord, help me to be a woman...

...of understanding ...even when I'm not understood.
...who listens well ...even when I'm not heard.
...who cares tenderly ...even when I'm not cared for.
...who loves ...even when I'm hated.
...who sympathizes ...even when my own feelings are missed.
...who speaks life into the lives of others ...even when I face death.

...because my security and stability and peace are provided in You
...who understands, listens, cares, loves, knows and connects with every one of my feelings, and renews my life day after day...perfectly.

The Road Out of Bondage

(I just found this in a journal last night...I had written it in August of 2004.)

When God brought Israel out of Egypt, out of their bondage, they rejoiced...they celebrated...they saw victory.

But the road out, and God's leading to the promised land, wasn't as flowery and pleasant as they had hoped and expected. God promises us that we'll end up in a beautiful place, but the journey to it may be filled with difficulty, disappointment, apparent hopelessness, obstacles, etc.

When the Israelites started experiencing difficulties on their journey, they wanted to turn back and return to their bondage. To us, sometimes it feels like it was and would be so much easier to just go back and live in those self-protective ways that held us in bondage. Like when I was more quiet and shy and didn't speak what was on my mind, people didn't necessarily enjoy me very often, but they had no reason to oppose me. I lived without much conflict, which at times, entices me back. But something inside me, that longed to live out truth was buried and denied a voice. It was kept in bondage. As God has drawn me out of that bondage and given me a voice to speak what is real in my heart, it has also brought much disruption to my own life as well as others.

The temptation to go back to the safety of bondage continually lurks about. But reality is that God is leading me out of bondage, sometimes through dry deserts, dangerous wilderness, and at times face to face with enemies, and His unexpected, wild journey for my life will find a "land flowing with milk and honey." In other words, if we faithfully continue on the journey, we will eventually and ultimately enter into the place of his perfect provision, a place of fulfilling joy and delight, freedom and peace.

She fell asleep while I was talking

I remember one of my roommates in college would get irritated with me when we would be talking late at night, lights out, ready to sleep...except for my thoughts that were wide awake. What irritated her wasn't that I would start talking at those hours; it was that I would pause and keep asking her if she was still awake. Often, the response was an exasperated, "Yes, I'm still awake."

I didn't understand it so well at the time, but one of my strongest love languages is Quality Time. When my roommate back in college would engage in that time with me and listen to me and talk with me, I felt loved and valued. There were times, though, when she would fall alseep while I was talking. In those times, having exposed my heart to vulnerability, her falling asleep brought a sense of being devalued and unloved.

Whatever our love language is, it's in that place that we often feel the most loved AND unloved.

After getting married, there were frequent times when my thoughts, as usual, would wake up and be ready for conversation as soon as the lights went out. There were occasional times when my husband just could not keep his eyes open and eventually fell asleep. Guess what emotions surfaced? Yep, those same devalued and unloved feelings. Eventually, I put up walls of self-protection and just chose to stop communicating at those times and buried the hurt rather than talk through it and find a way to make that communication work better.

This past year, a good friend and I were able to get away for a weekend. She has always amazed me with her ability to listen to me and she has told me, "You're easy to listen to; I don't know how anyone could fall asleep when you're talking. I enjoy listening to you." We're both 'night people', and to start our weekend away, after a full day, we drove all through the night...arriving at our destination at 7am...with me driving the whole time AND talking the majority of the time. We were both wide awake all through the night. She was so engaged and attentive. I felt so loved.

Last summer I spent a weekend with her. We had had an extremely full and exhausting day of ministry by the time we were winding down at 11pm, when she told all of us from our team that she was exhausted. So we went back to our room and got ready for bed. Each of us read over notes for the next day and then checked our email and facebook, chatting a bit as we did. Then, as we were winding down, I shut the light off and then asked her a question. We continued to talk for a little while, then I think I got a bit long-winded. When I heard the deeper breathing, I paused and quietly asked the most revealing question, "Are you still awake?"

Silence.

I remember feeling stunned and sad at first...and disbelief, but then there was an overwhelming sense of gratitude. In the past, I would have been hurt and offended, but in this moment, I remembered that she had said she was exhausted THREE HOURS earlier. And here she had still engaged in time with me for 3 hours!! And she had, quite literally, poured herself out for me to where she had absolutely nothing left to offer. I was humbled and immensely grateful for her sacrificial love.

The next morning I told her about it...but not as someone who was wounded or wanting to change her. But, instead, as someone who was deeply grateful and very, very richly blessed! Understanding Truth had set me free.

Could I possibly be wrong???

Someone told me a while back, "You always think you're right, and you justify yourself." And then, not long ago, one of my kids said the same thing to me. My reaction to that is, "If I thought what I was doing was wrong, I wouldn't do it." So of course I'll think I'm right...and I can justify why I believe what I'm doing is right.

But I think there's a reason the comment is still resonating in my mind...and that more than one person said it.... I guess if someone (and esp if more than one person) is confronting me about something, I suppose it's possible, in my limited perspective, that I could be missing something.
I'm seeing that I need to be open to the possibility that my perspective could be distorted.

Paul (Saul at the time) was passionate about the things he was doing in the name of God and convinced that his actions were right. It didn't occur to him that anything was wrong in his actions until God blinded him and confronted him about "persecuting" God Himself. (Acts 9)

When his distorted perspective was revealed and healed, he didn't run away from the Truth or continue to justify himself. Instead, Saul was changed (even his name was changed to Paul) and he went forward with the same passion, but a new perspective, having had his eyes opened to the Truth.

I'm now praying for the courage to be wrong...and to acknowledge it and move forward in Truth.

Opposition or Acceptance

I've been opposed at times in an attempt to be changed. I've also opposed others in an attempt to change them. I've found that it doesn't work. The times I've been most aware of my need to change and been the most humbled and ready for change are the times that I've been unconditionally accepted and known that I was loved deeply.

The Bible says that "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." I heard that verse used as justification for opposing me when someone has seen something in me that they don't think is right. In those times, the opposition has been harsh and I dig my heals in and tend to fight back.

It's interesting that I don't see God opposing me in those times. I think what that verse means is that there are some with hearts that are hardened in arrogance to seek their own way. There are others who have been so hurt that they build a wall of protection around their heart. The appearance can look very similar, but God is able to discern the difference and approach the arrogance with opposition and the wall with tender compassion that allows that person to lower the wall and humbly receive the tender, accepting, compassion.

My natural tendency, when I feel negatively impacted by someone, is to oppose them. Yet, I know that it's acceptance that draws me to see what's lacking in myself. When I'm loved really well, I see how much I fall short in loving well, and it humbles me and melts my heart. As Kari Jobe sings, "This love is so deep; it's more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace; it's overwhelming."*



*from the song, "The More I Seek You"

Are You Sovereign?

I've been noticing a tendency in myself lately that where I see wrong, I feel a need to attack it, especially when it impacts my kids.

I started wondering what the story of Joseph would have looked like in Genesis 38-50 if I would have been Joseph's mother. If you haven't read the story, go read it now so you have the context.

If I would have been Joseph's mother...

• I would have gotten family counseling for our blended family issues.
• I would have pursued discipline for the brothers.
• I would have cautioned Joseph to try not to sound like he's bragging.
• I would have had my husband get some sort of coats for his other sons.
• I would have had Joseph's brothers take me to the scene of the crime.
• If I would have found out that he was sold into slavery, I would have followed the trade route into the city, with a sketch of my son, hired detectives if necessary, and found him.
• I would have either sought to buy him out of slavery OR hired a good lawyer to get him back, whether he was still living in the palace or in prison by now.
• I would have fought against Potiphar and/or Pharaoh to whatever extent I could come up with resources to fight.
• If I couldn't get him out of prison, I would have been praying AND strategizing every day, and visiting him daily.

My life would have been given to preserving his life, ...and everyone would have seen it as noble.
...and maybe that is all fine and the right thing to do.

But the real question comes down to: do I have my faith in God's sovereignty or my own? That's a question only God and the heart know the answer to.

Even when Joseph had no human to take up his defense, he still had God's sovereignty. He trusted that God could use anything for good, even in the midst of complete chaos and destruction. And because of Joseph's faith in God's sovereignty, he was able to see God create beauty from chaos.

Where do we have our faith? ...in God's sovereignty or our own?

Fishing?

There are many good things about fishing; Jesus even chose some fishermen when He chose His disciples; in fact, His closest friends were fishermen. But Jesus actually told them to leave their fishing and come with Him, and He would teach them to fish for men.

How do you fish for men though? Some women could provide many ideas, but that’s not what I’m referring to here. Jesus wanted to reach men/people with the Good News of the Gospel, and He taught His disciples to fish for or reach people with this hope by His example of teaching, healing and serving. This is good fishing.

But not all fishing is good. Our own wounds can get in the way of our good fishing and corrupt our process. I’m sure you’ve experienced the type of fisherman who fishes for compliments, affirmation or security. Instead of giving out of purity, the gift becomes a trapping, painful lure.

Imagine being a fish and having a loving person drop tasty worms in the water to you….just because that person loves you, the fish and wants to bless you and pour life into you...kind of like we do with the fish in our fish tank at home. Then imagine that the same person, instead of purely seeking to pour life into you, is also craving something from you, maybe compliments and affirmation. That person wants to bless you, but their craving corrupts the intent. Now when that person drops the tasty worm into the water, you quickly come to realize that there’s a hook inside that worm and you are completely unable to enjoy what was offered because all that you feel is the sting of the barb and the painful control of the hook.

Possibly the most painful part for us, as the fish, is that the hook is disguised and hidden beneath something enjoyable and life-giving. Judas comes to mind. Being Jesus' disciple and friend, Judas sought out Jesus and kissed His face (Matthew 26.49). Vine's Dictionary describes the verse about this kiss as being more than the typical cultural kiss of brotherhood(1); the meaning in this context is a "kiss of genuine devotion". And in the next moment, the painful hook sunk into the heart of Jesus. Judas chose to corrupt a life-giving act in an attempt to gain something for himself. Whatever he was hoping to gain, though, cost him his life.

Jesus set an example for fishing for people--not to hide lures beneath what is beautiful, but to love through teaching, healing and serving by the Fruit of His Spirit. Life will come out of that.



(1) In Matthew 26.48, Judas tells the Jewish leaders that he will give them a sign by kissing the one they should arrest. Vine's Dictionary describes the use of the word "kiss" in this verse as a sign of brotherhood and love.

My heart hurts

My heart hurts. It brings Jesus to mind because His heart hurt too. When His good friend, Lazarus, died, and then Jesus talked with his sisters, He cried, along with Mary and the Jews that were comforting her. But "Jesus' weeping differed from that of the people. His quiet shedding of tears (edakrysen) differed from their loud wailing (klaiontas, v.33). His weeping was over the tragic consequences of sin."1

When I look at circumstances surrounding me, I see the sin that is causing turmoil, and my heart breaks. Certainly, it impacts me in painful ways, and in many ways I also relate to Mary who was weeping because of the pain in her circumstances, and because the One man she knew could have helped, didn't come in her timing.

My heart sometimes hurts more deeply than necessary because my faith, like Mary's, is limited. I know Jesus promises to save me when I need to be saved and call on Him (Romans 10.13, "For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved"), but my limited faith and developing my own ideas of what being "saved" looks like keep me from resting in that promise.

Like Mary mourning the death of her brother for four days, believing his death to be beyond Jesus' saving, she lost hope. My circumstances may look similar and sometimes feel beyond Jesus' saving, but as I weep over the "tragic consequences of sin" that encircle my circumstances, I must also fill my heart and mind with the Truth of who Jesus is and what He promises me.

The Truth is, it is never too late for resurrection. The Truth is, He will save me in His perfect timing in a perfect way when I'm trusting Him (Rom. 10.13). The Truth is, everything will work together for good when God has called us to Himself and we respond out of love for Him (Rom. 8.28). Feel free to comment with more Truth. It's the Truth that will set us free (Jn. 8.32).

Let's keep filling our minds with Truth allowing our faith to grow strong.



1Walvoord, John F. & Roy B. Zuck. The Bible Knowledge Commentary. Cook Communications: Colorado Springs, CO; 2000.

Washed Clean: How to deal with nakedness

I like to have a clean vehicle, and although I keep it clean inside, the outside seems to make it through the car wash only about once a year. Yesterday was that day for this year.

I had just gotten home from an 1100 mile trip of night driving which left the windshield severely splattered with bugs. I noticed the gradual increase in bug-coverage as we drove along, but just adapted to the reduced visibility as needed, especially since I forgot to clean the windshield when we stopped for gas. Somehow I just got used to looking through the bug infestation to see the road and the world beyond.

Yesterday, though, I went to the car wash where some intense scrubbing took place. As I drove away, there was a strange feeling of exposure with having such a clean view--knowing I could see out, and others could see in, more authentically. Nothing was hidden--nothing was hiding me--and I felt almost naked...like some significant covering was missing. It was awkward and uncomfortable, yet it was good and right to be clean and to have the impurities and distortions removed.

Sometimes I feel that way with my life. I can get so used to distortions in my life that it feels uncomfortable when they're removed. For example, for much of my adult life, I ran to people to help me feel secure. It was an unhealthy dependence I had on them, and they typically felt a demandingness from me to meet my needs. Although the security it provided was never sufficient, it still provided some sense of security.

Several years ago, the pain it brought to my friendships began to outweigh the benefit, and I knew something had to change. With God's help, I loosened my grip on my friendships and began an intentional pursuit of God for my security. As I was letting go of the demands on my friends, the requirements I put on the friendships, and the things I was doing in those relationships to try to make sure I was as secure as possible, I realized I was getting spiritually cleaner and purified, and yet feeling uncomfortable and awkward, as if I was lacking the clothing that brought security...similar to the covering the bugs on my windshield provided. The clothing I longed for, though, was impure. I didn't know what to do with the emotional and spiritual nakedness I felt. As I continued to run to the pure covering of Jesus, He gradually provided a new, healthy covering of security...where I could live authentically and securely.

Is there an impure covering you're longing for? ...something you feel safer hiding behind? Choosing to let go of things that are not of God may increase that feeling. You may feel naked and exposed as He washes you clean. But pursuing God's sufficiency will ultimately bring us security, authenticity and peace.

Thoughts from Matthew 11.28-30, "Come to Me"

A yoke, when attached to any creature, provides a burden. I thought it was interesting that Jesus did NOT say, "Let me take all yokes from you."

Here are His words:
"'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'"

There is still a burden that He expects us to carry, but that burden is lightweight and is the perfect burden for us to continue moving through His purpose for our lives.

What IS that burden? that yoke? ...and what are we to learn from Him?

Aware of His two greatest commands to love God and love others, I'm wondering if it (the burden He intends for us to carry) might be yielding to and allowing His Spirit to live through us so that we can be a tool through which He displays the fruit of the Spirit to others: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. We don't make the fruit; we yield to the process.