I'm going to be pretty transparent today. I've been feeling like I'm failing in so many areas: parenting, marriage, publishing, spiritually, with extended family, with friends. My reality is that I'm not living as a people-pleaser like I used to, but I'm still listening to their level of satisfaction with me. In the past, if I thought someone was dissatisfied with me or something I was doing, I'd change in ways that I thought would make them happier with me. But, now, committed to living out of conviction and who I am instead, I'm not changing according to their satisfaction. However, I'm still aware of 'my interpretation' of their satisfaction with me...and I'm drawing conclusions about how well I'm doing based on that.
People are dissatisfied with quantity of time I spend with them, or how much I reach out to them, or how I handle a situation, or what clothes I buy, or how well I'm taking care of _________, or whether or not I do this or do that.... (And sometimes I'm just dissatisfied with myself.)
I can't live out of conviction and keep everyone happy with me. Apparently, there's something in me that believes that if I can satisfy people, I'm okay...or successful and not a failure...and if they're dissatisfied with me, then I've failed.
My tendency is to look, first, to a person to see if they're satisfied. If so, then I look to the level of success of the performance and draw my conclusion. Conclusion: If the person is dissatisfied or the performance isn't great, then I've failed. And looking at my life this way right now, there's a lot of failing...and my belief is that I'm a failure. I know this thinking isn't right, and yet this is my reality.
So I asked God what He wanted me to know about this.
God's response to me:
"I've already determined the outcomes."
That, alone, took the pressure completely off. It really doesn't matter how I 'perform' (assuming I'm loving Him and pursuing His purpose for me) because He will still bring about the result that He wants.
"I just want you to live in the situations where I put you. If you do well, great; and if you blow it, I'll change it to work for good." (Rom. 8.28)
"The result is not for your concern. I don't want your success; I want your worship."
Selah.
