God's Guidance

Six days ago, I sent this to just a few close friends who knew about our search for a canine companion. Just reading this again tonight was a good reminder for me, so I decided I would share it here on my blog as well...

In Larry Crabb’s blog*, he recently said that he got in the mail “…Dr. James Houston’s most recent book, in pre-published manuscript form. The title drew me to know that Aslan was moving ahead of me, guiding my search….”

Wow. I’m not facing cancer like Larry is. I’m just lamenting at the deferred hope of getting what I thought was the pet/companion I’ve desired since I was 16 and had to give away my best friend, my German Shepherd, Shadow. I was not looking to replace her; just to enjoy the beautiful companionship that a German Shepherd is capable of and provide a companion for Adam as well…not to mention the benefit it could be to our whole family. We’ve been searching on and off for almost two years, and then while the search was “off”, an amazing opportunity dropped in our laps. It seemed nearly perfect; much more than I had anticipated. And an hour before we were to pick him up, his owner decided it would be best to give him to someone else. I was crushed.

“…to know that Aslan was moving ahead of me, guiding my search” stood out as I began reading Larry’s blog. I love the reassurance God provides that He is working! Not necessarily to give us everything we’re searching for, but to go ahead of us in our search to give us what is best. Maybe His guiding my search may lead me to just the right dog for us; or His guidance may direct me elsewhere where something even more significant awaits. What I do know is that I can rest peacefully in hope as I look ahead to “Sunday” even while I’m experiencing “Friday.”

Larry talked about the crucifixion being on Friday. The disciples were confused; they thought He was ‘The One’ they were waiting for, and then He died. Their hope was suddenly deferred and their hearts were sick. When Sunday came, confusion still lingered when His body came up missing. But when Truth and the big picture were finally revealed on Sunday, they were filled with joy and praise.

Larry said, “And yet the more I focus on Sunday’s resurrection, the more surprised I am by the joy and the adventure of hope that lies deep in my center, and by the privilege God has given to me to reveal Him in hard times. I’m discovering that is in my center as well. …. Friday’s fact impacts me. I wish it were different. But Sunday’s truth lifts me into the heavens. And heaven is working backward.”

The pain involved in the events of “Friday” hurts, but knowing that transformation, resurrection and hope follow after Friday, my heart becomes lighter…and I’m able to delight in a God who is “moving ahead of me….” And not just moving ahead, but moving ahead of ME.

I’m looking at what God has done in Allison’s life just in the past few days…how she was totally opposed to all dogs and in the last few days has become pretty relaxed about the idea of actually getting a dog (a big one at that)…and it only cost me a door knob with a lock and a Butterfinger. :) And Adam. He told me, “[This dog] should be ours.” I told him about how I was restless last night and was praying that God would make it very clear whether or not this was the dog for us. Then I told him, “I guess it doesn’t get any clearer than that!” We talked about how God has used this process to bring about some really good things, and, as we continue to pray, He’ll do what’s best and maybe bring us something even better. He hugged me with compassion and told me he’s sorry we didn’t get the dog, and I hugged him and told him I’m sorry he doesn’t get a running partner ...yet. :/ He smiled.

And regardless of “what” lies ahead for me, even better, I know HE lies ahead for me.

*For Larry Crabb’s full blog: http://newwayministries.org/blog/

What Storm?

Jesus was standing on the water while Peter and the disciples were in the boat. Jesus called to Peter to get out of the boat and come walking on the water to Him. Imagine if Peter's response was, "Lord, that's a very nice offer, but if I get out of this boat, it's a very lonely, scary place between where my friends are and where you are. So, no thanks." Or maybe He didn't realize that lonely place till he actually stepped out and then found himself in that chasm of loneliness where he had no friends to directly lean on and found himself in impossible circumstances without an undistracted view of Jesus. The winds picked up and the waves came into view....

Have you been in that place? ...with one of those responses?

Currently, I'm relating to the second scenario. I can see my friends nearby, but God has me in such a place that I can't lean on them for security and yet the winds are blowing and the waves keep distracting me from fixing my eyes on Jesus..."the author and perfecter of my faith" (Hebrews 12.2). In that place is the chasm of loneliness. Put yourself there just for a minute. You can't reach your friends in ways that would really help you feel secure, and you can't seem to find the hand of Jesus extended out to take yours because you're not looking for it--you're not set on finding it...instead your eyes are filled with the mist from the wind over the water and you see the waves about the engulf you...and you quickly realize that what you're trying to accomplish is impossible.

But He knows His plans for me, plans for good (Jeremiah 29.11), and we both know He has authority over the winds and the waves in my life.

Luke 8.24-25 says, "The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Master, Master, we’re going to drown!' He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 'Where is your faith?' he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, 'Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.'"

So the response that will bring me peace and be the most pleasing and useful to Him is when my attention is fixed on Him and what He's doing rather than on the creepy storms surrounding me. He has authority, not the storm. I want my focus and confidence to be so fixed on Him that my response to the storm is, "What storm?" ...allowing me to be filled with peace.

Understood? Understood.

No one understood me as a child. I was quiet and seldom talked, so I was labeled as shy. No one understood the reasons I wouldn't talk. No one understood the fears and emotional pain I struggled with.

As I got older, more and more people misunderstood more and more things about me. People misunderstood my distance in relationship. Some didn't notice; some thought I was self-centered; no one understood that I had been sexually abused and struggled to trust in relationship.

As the years passed, I recognized how I was created...as a deep thinker and a writer who processes things in so much detail that it comes out slowly. People misunderstood and determined that there was something wrong with me because I didn't speak or read or comprehend information as fast as they did.

I continue to be misunderstood on a daily basis. Sometimes it's because the listener isn't listening well. Sometimes it's because our varied experiences create confusion, ...or many other reasons. One thing, though, has been a constant source of comfort for me in being misunderstood: Jesus has always understood me. He understands what it feels like to be abused, to have your words or actions judged as different from what's true. And He knows and understands every intimate detail about me. Psalm 139, and the peace He gives me in relationship with Him, confirm it.

Understood? Understood.

Perseverance

I've been thinking about an email I got from my friend, Stacy, this morning. In it she mentioned how I persevere...and that people just don't do that anymore. That stirred my emotions, and I wasn't even sure why at first, so I processed through it.

I think it's that I know it's right to persevere, and finally someone verbalized what I know to be true...that people, in general, don't do it anymore. It's not the norm in our society. Certainly, I have friends who do persevere in various ways, and I'm grateful for them.

But perseverance is why I had such a hard time with a friend's divorce...knowing they struggled much like my husband and I have struggled in our marriage, yet my friend, ultimately, didn't persevere. There are many times when I want to quit too, so I guess it makes me feel more alone and on my own, reminding me that I really am a stranger in this world.

I know this world is not my home, and in time there will be ultimate relief. I realize that now is the time to persevere and to fight the good fight of faith. I wish that more people--more Christians--would fight that fight rather than the fight for comfort...for what feels good in the moment (from sex to food to shopping and accumulating lots of luxuries). I can easily fall into that temptation too, and often wrestle against it, but I want to keep my mind fixed on what truly matters...where true life happens...where joy and peace really can exist... "on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith"; not the perfecter of our comfort, although one day I will have that as well...but then it will be a resting comfort rather than an escaping comfort.

I realize, too, that in order to fight for faith rather than comfort, we need to deal with some root issues in our lives...looking at why we do what we do. That's one thing I love about LifeCare...it's a place to do that and find freedom from things that drive our behaviors that are not best for us. It's interesting that Stacy mentioned my perseverance today because I've noticed lately that I'm being more drawn to comfort in the face of some struggles. I don't want a passion for comfort to drive my behavior and the decisions I make. So I'm thankful that God and LifeCare are helping me discern some root issues there this week so I can live freely as God intended.

We are all called to persevere. Who is willing to answer that call with me?