(I just found this in a journal last night...I had written it in August of 2004.)
When God brought Israel out of Egypt, out of their bondage, they rejoiced...they celebrated...they saw victory.
But the road out, and God's leading to the promised land, wasn't as flowery and pleasant as they had hoped and expected. God promises us that we'll end up in a beautiful place, but the journey to it may be filled with difficulty, disappointment, apparent hopelessness, obstacles, etc.
When the Israelites started experiencing difficulties on their journey, they wanted to turn back and return to their bondage. To us, sometimes it feels like it was and would be so much easier to just go back and live in those self-protective ways that held us in bondage. Like when I was more quiet and shy and didn't speak what was on my mind, people didn't necessarily enjoy me very often, but they had no reason to oppose me. I lived without much conflict, which at times, entices me back. But something inside me, that longed to live out truth was buried and denied a voice. It was kept in bondage. As God has drawn me out of that bondage and given me a voice to speak what is real in my heart, it has also brought much disruption to my own life as well as others.
The temptation to go back to the safety of bondage continually lurks about. But reality is that God is leading me out of bondage, sometimes through dry deserts, dangerous wilderness, and at times face to face with enemies, and His unexpected, wild journey for my life will find a "land flowing with milk and honey." In other words, if we faithfully continue on the journey, we will eventually and ultimately enter into the place of his perfect provision, a place of fulfilling joy and delight, freedom and peace.
Friday, November 19, 2010
She fell asleep while I was talking
I remember one of my roommates in college would get irritated with me when we would be talking late at night, lights out, ready to sleep...except for my thoughts that were wide awake. What irritated her wasn't that I would start talking at those hours; it was that I would pause and keep asking her if she was still awake. Often, the response was an exasperated, "Yes, I'm still awake."
I didn't understand it so well at the time, but one of my strongest love languages is Quality Time. When my roommate back in college would engage in that time with me and listen to me and talk with me, I felt loved and valued. There were times, though, when she would fall alseep while I was talking. In those times, having exposed my heart to vulnerability, her falling asleep brought a sense of being devalued and unloved.
Whatever our love language is, it's in that place that we often feel the most loved AND unloved.
After getting married, there were frequent times when my thoughts, as usual, would wake up and be ready for conversation as soon as the lights went out. There were occasional times when my husband just could not keep his eyes open and eventually fell asleep. Guess what emotions surfaced? Yep, those same devalued and unloved feelings. Eventually, I put up walls of self-protection and just chose to stop communicating at those times and buried the hurt rather than talk through it and find a way to make that communication work better.
This past year, a good friend and I were able to get away for a weekend. She has always amazed me with her ability to listen to me and she has told me, "You're easy to listen to; I don't know how anyone could fall asleep when you're talking. I enjoy listening to you." We're both 'night people', and to start our weekend away, after a full day, we drove all through the night...arriving at our destination at 7am...with me driving the whole time AND talking the majority of the time. We were both wide awake all through the night. She was so engaged and attentive. I felt so loved.
Last summer I spent a weekend with her. We had had an extremely full and exhausting day of ministry by the time we were winding down at 11pm, when she told all of us from our team that she was exhausted. So we went back to our room and got ready for bed. Each of us read over notes for the next day and then checked our email and facebook, chatting a bit as we did. Then, as we were winding down, I shut the light off and then asked her a question. We continued to talk for a little while, then I think I got a bit long-winded. When I heard the deeper breathing, I paused and quietly asked the most revealing question, "Are you still awake?"
Silence.
I remember feeling stunned and sad at first...and disbelief, but then there was an overwhelming sense of gratitude. In the past, I would have been hurt and offended, but in this moment, I remembered that she had said she was exhausted THREE HOURS earlier. And here she had still engaged in time with me for 3 hours!! And she had, quite literally, poured herself out for me to where she had absolutely nothing left to offer. I was humbled and immensely grateful for her sacrificial love.
The next morning I told her about it...but not as someone who was wounded or wanting to change her. But, instead, as someone who was deeply grateful and very, very richly blessed! Understanding Truth had set me free.
I didn't understand it so well at the time, but one of my strongest love languages is Quality Time. When my roommate back in college would engage in that time with me and listen to me and talk with me, I felt loved and valued. There were times, though, when she would fall alseep while I was talking. In those times, having exposed my heart to vulnerability, her falling asleep brought a sense of being devalued and unloved.
Whatever our love language is, it's in that place that we often feel the most loved AND unloved.
After getting married, there were frequent times when my thoughts, as usual, would wake up and be ready for conversation as soon as the lights went out. There were occasional times when my husband just could not keep his eyes open and eventually fell asleep. Guess what emotions surfaced? Yep, those same devalued and unloved feelings. Eventually, I put up walls of self-protection and just chose to stop communicating at those times and buried the hurt rather than talk through it and find a way to make that communication work better.
This past year, a good friend and I were able to get away for a weekend. She has always amazed me with her ability to listen to me and she has told me, "You're easy to listen to; I don't know how anyone could fall asleep when you're talking. I enjoy listening to you." We're both 'night people', and to start our weekend away, after a full day, we drove all through the night...arriving at our destination at 7am...with me driving the whole time AND talking the majority of the time. We were both wide awake all through the night. She was so engaged and attentive. I felt so loved.
Last summer I spent a weekend with her. We had had an extremely full and exhausting day of ministry by the time we were winding down at 11pm, when she told all of us from our team that she was exhausted. So we went back to our room and got ready for bed. Each of us read over notes for the next day and then checked our email and facebook, chatting a bit as we did. Then, as we were winding down, I shut the light off and then asked her a question. We continued to talk for a little while, then I think I got a bit long-winded. When I heard the deeper breathing, I paused and quietly asked the most revealing question, "Are you still awake?"
Silence.
I remember feeling stunned and sad at first...and disbelief, but then there was an overwhelming sense of gratitude. In the past, I would have been hurt and offended, but in this moment, I remembered that she had said she was exhausted THREE HOURS earlier. And here she had still engaged in time with me for 3 hours!! And she had, quite literally, poured herself out for me to where she had absolutely nothing left to offer. I was humbled and immensely grateful for her sacrificial love.
The next morning I told her about it...but not as someone who was wounded or wanting to change her. But, instead, as someone who was deeply grateful and very, very richly blessed! Understanding Truth had set me free.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Could I possibly be wrong???
Someone told me a while back, "You always think you're right, and you justify yourself." And then, not long ago, one of my kids said the same thing to me. My reaction to that is, "If I thought what I was doing was wrong, I wouldn't do it." So of course I'll think I'm right...and I can justify why I believe what I'm doing is right.
But I think there's a reason the comment is still resonating in my mind...and that more than one person said it.... I guess if someone (and esp if more than one person) is confronting me about something, I suppose it's possible, in my limited perspective, that I could be missing something.
I'm seeing that I need to be open to the possibility that my perspective could be distorted.
Paul (Saul at the time) was passionate about the things he was doing in the name of God and convinced that his actions were right. It didn't occur to him that anything was wrong in his actions until God blinded him and confronted him about "persecuting" God Himself. (Acts 9)
When his distorted perspective was revealed and healed, he didn't run away from the Truth or continue to justify himself. Instead, Saul was changed (even his name was changed to Paul) and he went forward with the same passion, but a new perspective, having had his eyes opened to the Truth.
I'm now praying for the courage to be wrong...and to acknowledge it and move forward in Truth.
But I think there's a reason the comment is still resonating in my mind...and that more than one person said it.... I guess if someone (and esp if more than one person) is confronting me about something, I suppose it's possible, in my limited perspective, that I could be missing something.
I'm seeing that I need to be open to the possibility that my perspective could be distorted.
Paul (Saul at the time) was passionate about the things he was doing in the name of God and convinced that his actions were right. It didn't occur to him that anything was wrong in his actions until God blinded him and confronted him about "persecuting" God Himself. (Acts 9)
When his distorted perspective was revealed and healed, he didn't run away from the Truth or continue to justify himself. Instead, Saul was changed (even his name was changed to Paul) and he went forward with the same passion, but a new perspective, having had his eyes opened to the Truth.
I'm now praying for the courage to be wrong...and to acknowledge it and move forward in Truth.
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