I've spent the past three days entirely consumed with proofing two workbooks (over 300 pages) before they go to print. Proofing doesn't mean I just look them over...it requires examining every detail, every space and tiny mark on every page as well as the content and flow of content, etc. It drains me.
I woke up this morning, and before my eyes were even open, I felt the emptiness and began praying out of desperation, hating that excruciating empty feeling, begging God to fill me.
Well, I dragged myself out of bed and got the kids off to school. I got home and just felt a numbness toward life...a feeling I also hate. I knew I needed help...I needed God. I collapsed on my bed and tried to pray a bit, but still felt empty words and numbness. I found notes I had written yesterday from one of the workbooks about Samuel being called by God. I remembered being moved by the story, and I prayed the words Samuel spoke when he first heard God's voice:
"Speak. I'm your servant, ready to listen."
Actually, my prayer was more like this:
"I'm so empty from pouring myself out for CarePoint. 'Speak. I'm your servant, ready to listen.' I want to bring you glory, Lord. What do you want me to do?"
He answered quickly:
"I want you to stop working today...and REST. Let Me just love you. Let ME make you ALIVE.
My brain is sometimes hard to slow down though, thinking...
"I need to get something out of 'this'."
or
"How can I speak life into the situation I'll face...today...tonight...tomorrow...whenever?"
But I rested, and listened, and heard Him soothe me, and felt Him fill me...as I listened to Travis Cottrell (Beth Moore's worship leader) speak songs of truth and beauty into my soul.
How often I have missed the "filling" though and kept trying to serve Him and please Him. It occurred to me that refusing to rest and let Him fill me is like driving into a gas station and my van insisting on continuing to serve me but refusing to let me fill its gas tank. It can't serve me without allowing me to fill it. We can't serve God without allowing Him to fill us.
Like Beth Moore says:
Empty yourself in giving everything you've got, and then run to him to get filled up again.
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