What happens when you blow it?

Last night, in our first meeting with our new couples group, we began a video study using "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat." The first chapter dealt with fear of failure and our interpretation of failure. Ha! Could I relate, or what?!? (Normally, I would hide in fear and shame regarding my "failure", but God is growing me even now....)

Last week I had a perfect "failure" story, so I shared my story at our couples group. I had been in a practice session for a training course I've been doing. It was my turn to facilitate, and without going into all the detail here, after struggling through the first few minutes, I just blew it. I turned to our leader in "defeat" to quietly utter the words that have seldom ever come from my mouth: "I can't do this." As soon as I said it, the thoughts that filled my head were, "You are a failure. You are such a failure."

But recognizing that not all my thoughts are my own, I didn't entirely succomb to defeat. But rather, as we processed through what happened, I became encouraged by the words of each of the six others in the room...by their support, their helpful thoughts, and their encouragement that I had accomplished the beginning, and now I can just move on from there.

Afterward, I went home, and when my husband asked how my night was, all I could say in that moment was, "It was what it needed to be." I knew even then that God was doing something to transform me...and He was using this (and was going to use this) for good...much good.

My story encouraged the others in our couples group to rethink their own definitions of failure.

This morning, God was revealing to me that I needed to blow it last week. More than succeeding, I needed to experience the love and acceptance that would be poured out on me...even when I blew it, when I was grossly imperfect and failed by human standards. The response I received was healing and beautiful. And I certainly don't feel 'quite' as much pressure now to do it perfectly. I may still be quite lacking even next time, but I suppose I don't have to accomplish a whole lot to show improvement. :)

Anyway, it was what it needed to be.

Each of the others in the room last week was a tool that God used beautifully to bring a bit more healing into my life.